Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
