I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
