you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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