so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
