It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
