My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
