My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
