Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
