I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
