i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
