My nipple is on Facebook.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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