I hate all girls vehemently.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I forget how to act sober
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
