God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
