I can't breathe out the right side of my face
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize