I met the friendliest cop last night
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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