There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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