Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
