I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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