$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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