Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
