): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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