I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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