just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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