take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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