just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
