And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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