Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize