i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
