Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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