So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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