ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We have started to decorate penises.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
