Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
