What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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