Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize