I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
