my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
