This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
