You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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