true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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