i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
