I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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