Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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