grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
