I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
