How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
