My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
