Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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