i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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