it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
