I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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