I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
