Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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