Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
