I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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