Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How does it feel to date your dad?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
