How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
