I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize