I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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