i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
