I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
